Ok, Lil Spirit sent this to me and i loved it so i am putting it up LOL
 

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
 

Ok Merlyn sent me this one LOL
 
 

Bide the Bitch's law ye must
Lest she should pound you into dust
Live you must and Let to live; and never gripe but praises give

Circle midol thrice about
To keep the bitchy demons out
The vipers tongue will every time; curse you and insult in rhymes

Evil Eye and poison touch
Listens little speaks too much
Oh Goddess -- not the Blood of the Moon!!
All men cry a fearful tune

When the testicles are blue
Cuz she will not "give" to you
Just lubricate and have your way;
the hand is best on big flow days

Heed the harpees mighty wale
Steer clear of the press on nails
When your mood has traveled south
Take control and watch your mouth

When the tampons have run out
And she gets the maxis out
Thanks the Mother just the same
For none can set the string aflame

Kiss her feet and do not part
Bitch control is quite an art
He who survives this hellish week
Is Hercules and far from weak!

Bide the Bitches lay ye must
Please try to love and Goddess Trust
Six words the Bitch's law fulfill
"Please Goddess make a better pill!"
When in our self defense we flee
Is it to mind the rule of three
Carry thee word in your mind an heart
And soon the Blood of the Moon will part!