1.If you think widdershins refers to the calves of the bereaved
       lady next door

    2.If you think fetch deer is a command you give your dawg

    3.If you think a goblet is a young turkey

   4.If you think drawing down the moon is demolishing the
       outhouse

  5.If you call your coven mates Bud and Sis

  6.If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County road 13

  7.If your quarter candles smell like kerosene

   8.If you pronounce Athame as athaym or Samhain as sammon or sam-hayn

   9.If you think a Sidhe is a girl

 10.If your idea of the Goddess is the Swedish Bikini Team

 11.If your bard plays the banjo

  12.If your long lost friend really is...

  13.If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more
       plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars
 

 14.If your wand of power is a cattle prod

 15.If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a buckle bigger
       than your head
 

16.If you call the quarters by calling Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob

17.If you call the gods by saying "Hey ya'll watch me"

18.If your favorite robe has a logo for farm manufacturing equipment on the
     back of it

19.If you have ever harvested your ritual herbs with a week whacker

 20.If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun

  21.If your ritual garments include any of the following: plaid flannels,
        long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots

 22.If you have ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff

 23.If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21

  24.If the instructions to get to your coven stead include the words: "After
        you turn off the paved road...
 25.If your alter cloth is the rebel flag

  26.If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle

  27.If your eternal flame just happens to be under your still...

 28.If you use an engine block for an alter

29.If your High Priestess is your cousin as well as your wife..

 30.If when you Draw Down the Moon you say, "Ya'll come down ya hear"

  31.If your pickup truck has an Athame rack

 32.If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (bowling ball)

 33.If your high priestess has  a spitoon on her alter

 You might be a Pagan redneck !!
 
 

1. Does your Ceremonial Garb consist of cutoffs and a tube top?

2  Do you think "Family Tradition" is a dating club?

3. Have you reached 3rd degree, but not 3rd grade?

4. Is your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess "Cooter" and
"SweetCheeks"?

5. Does your ceremonial Chalice say "Budweiser" on it?  (2 pts if it
says "Pabst")

6. Do you consider chewing tobacco a sacred herb?

7. Does your circle dance include the words "dosey-do"?

8. Is your altar pentacle a photo of John Wayne's star on the
Hollywood Walk of Fame?

9. Did your coven choose its High Priest at a belching contest?

10. Did your coven choose its High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest?

11. Does your anointing oil smell like "Old Spice"?

12. Have you ever refilled your chalice from a keg?

13. Does your outdoor circle have defunct washing machines for
quarter altars?

14. Do you do your cakes and ale with a can of Pabst and Little
Debbies?

15. Does your Pantheon include Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and St. Pauli
Girl?

16. Does your ritual music include Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"?

17. Do you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture?

18. Do you believe that the Pentagram is a Western Union message to 5
people?

19. Does your altar cloth say "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's"?

20. Does your Goddess picture say "Miss September" at the bottom?

21. Does your God statue look a little too much like Elvis Presley?

22. Have you ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu?

23. Have you ever canceled a coven meeting to watch Pay-per-View
wrestling on TV?

24. Have you ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a
potato that looked like the Willendorf Goddess?

25. Have you EVER cast a love spell on livestock?
 
 

-If you call the God & Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, Y'all! Watch
me!"....

-If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker.....

-If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....

-If your Bard plays the banjo.....

-If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Reba
McEntire.....

-If your power animal is a pitbulldog.....

-If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar.......

-If your broom has four-wheel drive and SC plates.....

-If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks....

-If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second AND third
cousin......

-If you envoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer......

-If you pray nightly to the god of big tires.....

-If you can play "The Burning Times" on the banjo.....

-If your favorite ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard
still.....

-If you sacrifice bbq and pork rinds on a altar made of old car
hoods....

-If you have a combined Maypole Dance/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for
Beltane....

-If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the
fire....

-If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond
with "YEEE-HAW!"

-If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle
is open but unbroken..."

-If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches.....

-If your high priestess' hair gets caught in the ceiling fan.....

-If your most sacred altar items include, hubcap a velvet painting
and a half-empty can of chaw.....

-If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.....

-If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....

-If your craft name starts with Bubba.....

-If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weedwacker.....

-If you've ever cooked road-kill stew in your cauldron.....

-If your cauldron looks a whole lot like a spitoon.....

-If your altar cloth is vinyl.....

-If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....

-If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart (ouch!).....

-If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school
football team.....

-If your neighbor thinks "the Great Rite" has something to do with
Jerry Falwell....

-If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos"....

-If you leave beef jerky out for Samhain....

-If your circle dance is a two step...

-If your familiar can point quail...

-If your familiar keeps mice out of the grainery....

-If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture....

-If your altar has a spit cup....

-If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any
line from any
song by Lynard Skynard....

-If your athame is by Bowie....

-If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance...

-Or you found out your familiar is an opossum - and still ate it,
.......you might be a redneck Pagan!
 
 

Ostara -- those twinkly things in the night sky

Beltane -- it helps to hold up your pants

Lammas -- hairy South American critters

Shaman -- toilet paper brand

Altar -- letting out your pants

Yule -- a greeting "how Yule doin'?"

Boline -- rolling a 300 on league night

Censer -- to bleep out dirty words

Handfasting -- dieting to get skinny fingers

Imbolc -- buying in quantity

Litha -- deadly

Mabon -- cosmetics brand (see "Mabon Lady")

Runes -- to mess something up

Incense -- marrying your cousin

Wicca -- Oriental furniture

You Might Be a Yuppie Pagan if...

-If you call the quarters on your cell phone...

-If your wand uses NiCad batteries...

-If your athame says Henckels on the blade...

-If you wear a tie at a skyclad ritual...

-If you use caviar and champagne for cakes and wine....

-If your quarter candles have tiffany lamp shades...

-If you keep your book of shadows on a laptop computer....

-If your familiar is a miniature potbelly pig...
...... you might be a Yuppie

http://www.ladyoftheearth.com/
 
 

  One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord I have a problem!     "What's the problem, Eve?"

  "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
    all  of these beautiful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just
     not happy."

   "Why is that Eve?" came the reply from above.
   "Lord I'm lonely and sick to death of apples."

   "Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
    "What is a *man* Lord?

    "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and
     be vainglorious; all in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster
     and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you
     are complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah,
     physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting
     and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart so he'll need your advice to
      think properly."

    "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch?"
    "Yeah, well.....you can have him on one condition."

     "What's that Lord?"

   "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self admiring so you'll have to let him
     believe that I made him first. So just remember it's our secret, Woman to
     Woman!"
 
 

  Ok I found this place on the web it is so funny you just have to try this,
   below is the results of what i did at madlib for pagans! when you visit this
   site you will be asked to give certain information using nouns, adverbs, ect.

                                                 "Ritual Etiquette"

 Never assume it will be a sky clad event. Always at least wear a Shirt and if it turns our that sky clad is appropriate you can always take it off and set it next to the cards and crystal ball. Do not make fun of anyone's lucky beliefs or they may end up throwing you and your mirror out the window! Do not assume that everyone is pagan. Talking to them about the pagan bottle in front of others could cause problems for them at the glass factory! When moving around in the ritual space watch out for blue bottles! Above all act exceptionally toward the high priest and the high priestess and their book!
 
 

   If a witch practices on the beach, is she a sandwich???

   What is Wiccan, flies around and makes honey??
   The Blessed Bee

  What do you say to an angry witch??
  Ribbit  (my favorite hehe)

    What is the best thing about having pagan friends?
   They worship the ground you walk on !!

  What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Druid?
  A person that worships the tree that's not there!!
 
 

                            A guy is at the pearly gates of heaven....waiting to be admitted while St. Peter
                     is leafing through this huge book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. St.
                     Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the
                     guy, " You know, I can't see that you did anything really good or really bad
                      in your life, so tell me what was one good deed you really did in your life and
                      then you are in:
 

                           this one time when I was drivin down the highway and I saw this Southern
                            biker gang assaulting this poor girl! I slowed down in my car to see what was
                            going on, and sure enough, there they were about 50 of them torturing this
                            poor girl.

                            Infuriated I got out of my truck, grabbed a tire iron outta my trunk and
                     walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a 7 foot 350 pound, huge monster
                     of a guy, with his Confederate flag and studded leather jacket and a chain
                     running from his nose to his ear! As I walked up to the leader the biker gang
                      formed a circle around me........

                      So I ripped the leaders chains from his face!! And smashed him on the head
                      with the tire iron! Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them.....
                     "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You bunch of sick deranged animals! Go
                      home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!!! "

                    St. Peter is really very impressed and says "Really? When did this happen??"
                    The guy say, " Oh about 2 minutes ago"
 
 

  1. Don't let worry kill you.....let the church help !

 2. Thursday night, Potluck supper...Prayer and medication to follow !

 3. For those of you who have children and don't know it we have a nursery
  downstairs.

 4. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
     church, children will baptized at both ends...

  5. At the evening service tonight the topic will be " What is hell?" Come early
     and listen to our choir practice !

 6  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind! And they
      may be seen in the church basement on friday!!

 7  Thursday at 5:00pm there will be a meeting of the LIttle Mothers Club. All
     those who wish to be little mothers please see the minister in his study!!
 
 

  Two little boys go into a grocery store. One is nine and one is four. The nine year
   old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The
   cashier says, " Oh these must be for your mom hmm?"  The nine year old replies,
   "Nope not for my mom", the cashier says, "For your sister then?" The boy says
   "Nope not for my sister" The cashier was now very curious and asked, " If they
   are not for your mom or your sister, who are they for?" The little boys, says,
  " They are for my little brother!"  "For your brother?" says the cashier, " Well
    yeah," says the little boy " They say on tv if you wear one of these you can swim
   or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!!"
 
 

  Redneck Billy Joe, and Redneck  Mary Sue, are joined in holy matrimony.
  They spend their wedding night at a Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Beech Grove,
  Indiana. They had abstained from the big deed until this very night. Just as
  Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him " Wait Billy Joe, I just thought you should know....this ain't just our first time,
  it's my first time ever!! I'm a virgin! I been savin myself just for you!!"

  " Yore a VIRGIN???" yells Billy Joe
  "That's right, so please be gentle"
  "Gentle?? Gentle my ass I'm outta here!"

   With that Billy Joe pulls up his pants and hops into his truck and drives home
  leaving his virgin bride alone.

   "Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"
   "Huh?? Billy Joe whut the hell are you doing here?? It's 3am on your weddin
    night! Why aint you and yer pretty wife in a haystack somewheres?"
   " Paw I was all set to do just that when Mary Sue up and tells me shes a...a
      virgin!!"
    "A VIRGIN???"
    " That's right paw, one hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me I got
     outta there as fast as I could"
   " Well son let me tell ya, you done the right thing....Cuz if she ain't good
     enough for her own family she sure aint good enough for ours!!!"
 
 

              Christians,you can't live with them and you can't feed them to the lions anymore!
 
 

  This next bit of humor was sent to me by Annette, aside from being humorous it  also helps us to learn a lesson!!